Doctors have today admitted that they have been wrong about crystal meth this whole time and that the powerful narcotic is actually amazingly beneficial for health and well being.
“It increases concentration and drive, providing a much needed energy boost for the carrying out of petty crimes and handbag robberies,” confirmed Department of Health spokesperson Dr. William Gould. “A strict diet of crystal meth is shown to improve brain function making it easier to count coins collected on the street by begging with a coffee cup.”
Dr. Gould claimed that crystal meth contains “zero saturated fats and is perfect for people who are on a low carb diet” while also providing “100% of your daily methamphetamine needs”.
“A strict crystal meth diet also helps people shed unwanted pounds, hair and teeth and promotes the growth of healthy scabs and unclean fingernails,” continued the report which assessed the health of 1000 meth addicts and concluded that they had the rugged lean health of a 19th century street urchin with taut, tense muscles from constant alertness coupled with an immunity to most infections from living in their own filth for long periods at a time.
“It’s absolutely fantastic as an appetite suppressant, often meth users will simply forget about having to eat which will eliminate a flabby stomach and give the face a beautiful sunken emaciated look,” continued Dr. Gould who recommended that crystal meth should be enjoyed as part of a healthy diet that involves plenty of alcohol, cigarettes and unprotected sex.
“If people follow the crystal meth diet then they can expect to see results ranging from a reduction in unwanted bone density, a decrease in harmful bowel movements and removal of unwanted restorative sleep, within mere days of trying the super drug.”
Crystal is available from all good health food outlets, dodgy blokes on motorcycles and Silk Road.