I’d be lying if I said this was easy for me. You’ve been a part of me for so long now that it’s at times impossible to imagine my life without you.
However, I know that my world would be so much brighter without you in it.
Remember the days where I would feel myself clam up at the very thought of having to raise my hand in class. Or where I could feel myself twitch involuntarily which somehow meant I was terminally ill. Those were the times.
And then there were those days where you got in my head and convinced me that even my closest friends were secretly out to get me or that time where I didn’t want to be out in the woods at night because of bears, better yet zombies.
It sounds funny in retrospect, sure. But the truth about us is I can’t even reminisce on those times because even the sheer thought of those memories sends me back into fight or flight mode.
It’s gotten worse.
Our ties have reached extremes that I didn’t even know were possible. Rock bottom was when I had to go to the doctor because I thought my 23 year old heart was failing.
All of a sudden the little things seemed to matter that much more. Even just being present in a conversation without thinking about every sensation my body could possible feel made me feel on cloud nine. Nobody should ever have to feel this way.
You are the monster that was under my bed. You are the monster that I feared for so long as a child. You have to be. I keep telling myself “You’re not real. You can’t be real.” Because if I say it enough times, maybe I’ll start to believe it.
I have everything I could possibly want in life. I am the happiest I have ever been. The world is at my feet. But you don’t care about that do you? You’ve never cared about my happiness.
All you ever do is take and take from me. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even know who I am.
I never thought we would be here. I never thought it would ever have the potential to get this bad, but here we are and I don’t know how to feel.
I literally don’t know how to return to a state of normalcy, I don’t know how to leave you. It’s the most terrifying thing in the world.
It feels like I’m suffocating in plain sight, in a room filled with people and nobody knows how to help me. How do I get away? How do I get back to where I was? Where was I? When was I okay?
Somebody told me not to take life for granted. And I couldn’t help but cringe. I don’t take life for granted. How could I? Because the brief moments where I’m able to let out a deep breath and feel comfortable mean more to me than anything.
I spend most of my time hoping that this is just a nightmare and that one day I’ll wake up and still have my happiness yet with the absence of you.
Why can’t you just let me be happy? Why can’t you just let me go?
I don’t know how to feel okay again, but I know that I have to try. So from this point forward I’ll fight. I’ll fight with every inch of me to push you out the door.